Friday, March 12, 2010
I really think we need to be honest with ourselves. Where do we think this current is going to take us? How long can we continue to pretend we are happy together? We have drawn this out long enough. Fight after fight, “talk” after “talk”. In the end we are who we are. I can’t change you. I can’t be different. I don’t want to change anyone.
There was a time when I thought really loved you, all of you. Now..I’m not so sure. We were so young when this started. It is naive to think that we can take this any farther. You used to look at me and really see me and now I can hardly remember the last time I felt connected to you in that way. You avoid spending time with me. You avoid looking at me. You avoid touching me. I feel so alienated. Do you not think I am pretty anymore? You used to tell me how beautiful I was when I walked in the room…any room. It didn’t matter what I was wearing or if my hair was done. I would just walk in and a smile would light up your face.
I used to imagine our lives together; our wedding, our children, our home. I wanted it all. I wanted the fairytale. I was so blinded watching all of my friends get married and have babies that I didn’t even realize how obvious it was that we would ultimately fail.
It is pointless now to focus on such things. The truth is that you stopped loving me years ago and fear kept you from admitting it. I can’t blame this all on you though, I have sensed this problem for a long time and tried to convince myself otherwise. We are both cowards. We are both to blame.
That said, I do want you to know that I will always keep a place in my heart for you. My first love, my first heartbreak. Please try not to dwell on the sadness of all of this. Please just move on..forget me if you have to. I hope that you find happiness somewhere.
I wish you all the best,
Maybe this is out of context. Maybe this needs some explaining.
I am in a course made up of workshops given by visiting international performance artists. For the most recent workshop, run by Myriam Laplante (www.myriamlaplante.net), we were asked to propose a simple performance to be done during the workshop. When we first met with her we all were then asked to place these proposals in a bucket which was handed around again for us to take another out at random. This was the performance we were meant to do.
The performance that I chose from the bucket was written by another student, Chris Zacher and read, as follows....
IT WAS THE WHITENESS THAT ABOVE ALL THINGS APPALLED ME
MY PERFORMANCE WILL BE A LOOSE INTERPRETATION OF AHAB'S FAILURE TO KILL AND CAPTURE THE WHITE WHALE. THIS PIECE WILL ATTEMPT TO REPRESENT THE STORY OF MOBY DICK IN A WAY THAT CONFUSES ITS ASSOCIATIONS TO BOTH SUCCESS AND FAILURE.
Using props provided by Chris, including a large plaster sculpture of a whale that he made, a sort of make-shift stage set, boat and whale, were created with a spotlight on the scene.
I read this letter to the whale.